Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Potty training

First things first. I hear the thing now is to say that this is "potty learning." Pish-shaw.

Here's how potty training went down in my house.

First, begin reading Boys Potty Time every single night as soon as you possibly can. Convince yourself this book alone will train your child.

A few months after memorizing Boys Potty Time, begin collecting rewards. Buy Silly Bandz when they are full price because you are convinced your child is on the VERGE of being potty trained and these will be THE one and only thing that will motivate your child. Fill a grocery story bag with the. Kick yourself when the price falls to 25 cents a pack after Christmas... but buy more anyway.

Resist slapping every person who says, "He'll potty train when he's ready."

Get over it, then accept he will potty train when he's ready.

Any time your child wants to put on big boys undies, let him wear them. Brace yourself for cleaning up pee.

Encourage peer pressure from his peers at the sitter's house.

Now, your child has been on the VERGE of potty training for SIX MONTHS!

Convince yourself he actually will just do it when he's ready.

Begin showing your child the bag of prizes, then saying he can't have any 'til he goes pee pee on the potty.

Somehow work "potty" into every conversation. You will find yourself naming everyone you know who is potty trained (which, is everyone you know, by the way... and also includes characters on TV, Santa, the pets, etc.) and even making a big deal when your spouse pees on the potty. Resort to giving each other Silly Bandz.

Give up.

One week later, completely unprompted, unbribed and unperked, your child will demand putting on undies and march his own little butt to the potty and go. He'll then demand a Silly Bandz.

Your work is done.

The newly potty trained boy himself

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